Have You Ever Had A Feeling...

Like something bad is going to happen? I have had that feeling the past few days. Christmas was better than I dreamed it would be. The kids are growing and I can see good things for our future. I am supposed to go to my best friend Chandra's today. The kids are coming with me and I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like something horrible is going to happen. I can't help but let my mind wander to the worst possible things like wrecking the van and no one seeing us go into a ditch. The thoughts get worse from there. It's awful. I think that all the good times we have had this past week are making me think about how blessed we are. It is also making me fear losing it all too. I'm going to hide this fear deep inside and go on the trip anyway. However, I'm making sure I am prepared for any of the situations I have ran though my head the past few days. This means I am packing like double what I would normally pack. Here is a picture of some of it.

Clothes

Coats

Socks

Shoes

Blankies

Cups

Snacks

Pillows

Extra Blankets

Diapers

Wipes

Toys

Flash Lights

Batteries

First Aid Kit

2 Pair of Gloves Each

2 Hats Each

2 Portable DVD Players

Inflatable Sleeping Bags

Camera (never leave home without it)

Etc. (I'm sure I forgot some things)

The Aftermath!

Our house looks like it was hit by a tornado. Plastic pieces everywhere. Trash galore. Time to get back into the routine of everyday life. First, I have to get this stuff organized! Ugh!

Merry Christmas!

This is it! The day I have been looking forward to since last Christmas's disaster. After everyone left last night we got all the presents out and placed perfectly. Each kid had 4 presents and about 4 (universal) presents. Their stockings were placed and the nativity was the center of the setting. We tried to make sure the kids knew we were celebrating Jesus Birthday.

I wanted to make Monkey Bread as a tradition for our family. That didn't work out quite as planned so we didn't even bother with breakfast. They didn't miss it. When they started to stir we got the video camera set up and everything in place. They came out and weren't quite sure what to do. They immediately ran to the train table. We lured everyone but Peytie away to look in their stockings. Peytie wasn't having any of it. He had the train table and that is all he needed. Once it was time to open presents Peytie said he didn't want to. We ended up putting a sheet over the table so he couldn't play with it. They opened their gifts and were so excited. I have to say, the kids got more stuff from us and all the family. I can't believe all the new toys we have.

Happy Birthday Jesus!

Christmas Eve!

Tonight we had Grandpa & Grandma Wright, Uncle Shawn & Aunt Mel, Patrick, Casey, Ali, Noah, Tameka, & Monica over. Another tradition that means to much to us. We make chili every year and lots of sweets. After we eat we get right to the presents. The kids wasted no time.

Another tradition we have is a picture of all the grandkids.

2007

2008

2009

Next Stop...

Grandma Shannon and Papaw Tony's! We got up first thing on Wednesday morning to go to our next place for Christmas. We have such a big family that we decided to spread it out. I hate it when you have to open and run. It feels so selfish. That is why we are doing it this way. We went to gram and pap's house and the kids were ready for it. They hadn't remembered what they had done just a few days before. The tradition at my mom and dad's house is we go first thing in the morning and have bacon/sausage egg and cheese croissanwiches. They are great. After that we start with presents. The rest is the same as before. Lots of smiles, screeching with excitement, awe and amazement, love, laughter, and fun.

Two places down, two more to go!

Daddy Time!

The kids love getting roudy with daddy.

Here is the video of Ethan and Peytie helping daddy work outside.

It's Beginning To Feel A Lot Like Christmas!

Today was the first taste of Christmas the kids have gotten. We've talked about it and tried to explain what it is, but they didn't really get it until today. We went to my Grandma Joy and Papaw Tony's house after church for Christmas. We ate lunch and went in to open presents. That's when they realized just how fun Christmas was going to be. They were really into it. Every gift was the most amazing best thing in the world to them. It was everything I hoped it would be.

I can hardly wait for Christmas morning. I never understood how Christmas could be better when you aren't getting anything, but now I do. The wonder and excitement on my kids faces and love we all have for each other is all I need. It is the best gift I could ever receive.

They got one by me...

I like to believe I see or hear about everything that goes on in the house. I am learning fast that they are way ahead of me. For example, the kids were at my moms for the day and I was making dinner. I turned the oven on to preheat and noticed a funny smell. When I turned around the oven was on fire. I yelled to Rob, my hero, who came to the rescue. Once the smoke had cleared and we opened the oven door, this is what we saw.



When did someone come into the kitchen, open the oven, and throw that ball in there? How did I miss that? I guess this is just the beginning of the things they will get by with. I'm doomed!

Things Are Never Boring At Grandma Joy & Papaw Tony's!

Yes, that is a donkey. I can't remember its name, but the kids could tell me. I've had these pictures for a long time and kept forgetting to put it on here. It is so funny. We pull into their driveway and the van bursts into cheers. They LOVE coming to visit Great Grandma Joy and Great Papaw Tony. Yes, I said GREAT. What's even more amazing is they are willing to take all five at once. They are always willing to take the kids when I need to run to the store or take someone to the doctor. I hope the kids grow up spending lots of time at their house. I am so thankful that they want to be involved in the kids lives. It clearly means the world to my kids. We Love You Gram & Pap!

Our Journey Part #9

I was 27 weeks along when I found out the worst news possible. Dr. Turnquest was flying out to California for an entire week! Holy Cow! I thought the world stopped when I became pregnant and the doctor lived and breathed for my successful pregnancy. That was how it all played out in my head anyway. I couldn’t believe it, the most important week of all and she is leaving me! I mean, my goal was 28 weeks and I had done fine so far. No problems what so ever.

By that time I was coming in every 2-3 days for an ultrasound and check-up. I was so thankful for that. So many babies in one little area and you wouldn’t know if one was in distress or not. So, I accepted the fact that Dr. Turnquest was gone and I would just have to stick it out with this new doctor. At least that is what I was telling myself until I met the doctor.

He and I did not hit it off well. In fact, I couldn’t even tell you his name. It was clear he wanted nothing to do with me or my pregnancy. He was completely hands off and basically did nothing. During my ultrasound with Courtney, we checked the umbilical blood flow for each baby. That was so we knew everyone was getting the adequate stuff they needed to survive. Baby E came back squirrelly and then C’s did too. I forgot to mention that I was already feeling AWFUL. Dr. Turnquest had put me on iron the previous week and it was killing my stomach. When this no name doctor didn’t care about anything going on, Courtney offered to call Dr. Turnquest for me. This is how amazing everyone at this practice is. After filling her in on the situation she wanted to talk to me. Thank The Lord! She told me that if I didn’t feel right about things I should go to labor and delivery and have them monitor me and see where things are.

Dr. Whatshisface found out we had talked to Dr. Turnquest and told me that everything looked fine and that he didn’t think I needed to go to labor and delivery. Well, I didn’t care. I went all the way home, and packed my bags. I was coming and I was staying. I was way too nervous to stay at home with things going like they were. I am so grateful that Dr. Turnquest gave me the comfort that it was okay to be checked out. I wouldn’t have wanted to do something she didn’t want me to. So, I probably would have just gone home and I don’t know what would have happened.

I met the fill-in guy on my way into the hospital. He again reiterated that he didn’t think I needed to come in. Once I got to the Labor & Delivery they were waiting for me. My same room as before and nurses ready to do whatever needed to be done. The first thing they did was strap a contraction belt on me. After 30 minutes of that they were all rushing around because I was having contractions every 2 minutes consistently. I couldn’t feel all of them, but I knew something wasn’t right.

After about 2 hours of magnesium I was completely loopy. That is the worst stuff I have ever been on. First off, you can’t eat when you are on it. They had me on it for 24 hours I think. That is what it took to get the contractions to stop. Dr. No Name came in twice to basically do nothing. Dr. Turnquest called to talk to me a couple times. She was so great. We did daily ultrasounds and contraction monitoring. They would come in every 4 hours and have to get heartbeats on all the kids. It took 3 nurses and me holding the monitors. That was nearly impossible. The goal was to find 5 different heartbeats at the same time for a 30 minute consecutive period of time. That NEVER happened. Every time one of the babies moved we would lose the heartbeat. We did the best we could. The nurses were great company. It stinks being in the hospital 45 minutes away from everyone who means something to you. I had lots of visitors though. I don’t know how those moms who are on bed rest for months at a time. One week was all I could take.

I think Dr. Turnquest came back into town on Tuesday. She came to see me and we tentatively scheduled the birth for Thursday the 15th. Things weren’t going great and I was starting to swell up and have blood pressure problems. Other than that, I was doing okay physically. Mentally was another story. I was just lonely and scared.

Thursday rolled around and I was ready for the big day. Around noon Dr. Turnquest came in and told me that everything was calming down and she wanted me to hang on a few more days. I know this sounds bad, but I was devastated. I was READY to have these babies. I was READY to not be pregnant anymore. I forgot about the precious cargo I was carrying and got selfish. I cried. I was just emotionally stressed out and tired of the unknown. If they were born I would know how they were doing. That was how I felt.

The nurses wanted to cheer me up so they brought in all the nail polishes and stuff they had. They gave me a foot massage and painted my toes. They were going to come back and do my fingernails next but we didn’t make it that long. Dr. Turnquest sent Rob home to go to work and I was settling in for another long sleepless night.

About an hour later I called the nurse to tell her I felt funny. I couldn’t explain it. I didn’t feel bad, but I felt like I was drugged. She took my blood pressure and it was 111/163. Dr. Turnquest had already told me that she didn’t want my numbers to go over 110 or 150. So, she checked it again and called the doctor. Things flew by after that. She ran down and told me we were delivering and I needed to call Rob immediately. Of course I didn’t have good reception and he couldn’t hear me. Dr. Turnquest took the phone from my hands and found a place with reception and told Rob to get down here now.

Everyone started flooding in and prepping me. There was this guy in a big blue jumpsuit that came in to start 3 IV’s on me. They were big too. It was so scary to be poked and prodded in an emergency. You have no idea what is going on and feel like everything is out of control. They assured me that they would not take me until Rob got there.

The race had begun for everyone else. I called my mom and that started the chain of calls. Everyone knew within 10 minutes I think. Everyone had to try to get down here before the big moment. I’ll never forget the trip to the operating room. Over 40 people packed into 2 rooms and I was lying on the table exposed to everyone like it was no big deal. It was awful. They gave me an epidural and laid me back. There was about a 30 second time period where no one was doing anything and I was laying there for the whole world to see.

Once my epidural kicked it was off to the races. The kids were born in 2 ½ minutes. Ethan, Peyton, Landon, Jenna, and Sydney. Every one of them cried when they came out. It was a miracle. I didn’t know this, but the nurse’s station turned on the speaker to the OR and everyone who made it got to hear the kid’s first cries. They also got to see them wheeled to the NICU. I am so glad they all got to be a part of it.

That’s where it all began. The next day was a complete blur. We had countless visitors and a press conference. Rob did that. I was so doped up on morphine and magnesium that I couldn’t see straight. I remember trying so hard to be able to see straight. The nurses wheeled my bed into the NICU sometime that day to see the kids for the first time. I don’t remember any of it.

The people kept coming and I couldn’t talk or anything. After 24 hours from delivery they took me off the medicine and I finally got to eat. Around midnight I made my first to see the kids. It was so weird. All this time I had prepared myself for the worst. Here they were in front of me and I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. I didn’t feel emotionally like I had just given birth. I was looking at someone’s precious babies but didn’t have any connection with them at all.

If I could go back and go anything over again I would change that. I would have bonded with them while I was pregnant. Instead, I built a wall up around my heart and mind and couldn’t break it down no matter how much I tried to convince myself. The next couple days were busy with visitors. I didn’t know what to do or how to act with the kids because they were so small. Ethan was 2lbs 9oz, Peyton 1lb 12oz, Landon 1lb 12oz, Jenna 1lb 10oz, and Syd 1lb. 13oz. They were covered with this plastic lid thing to hold the heat in. Their hands were barely big enough to wrap around my finger.

I started pumping and that was a complete disaster. That sent my emotions into crazy mode. I didn’t handle the transition home very well. I was a wreck to say the least. The problem was, I was no longer pregnant, didn’t feel like I had just given birth, and didn’t have anything to show for it. I am home now and somehow I have to start this entirely new life. I was expected to visit these babies I didn’t know or feel like were mine. Everyone was stopping by to visit and talk about it. I was pumping around the clock and it wasn’t working. I didn’t know how I was supposed to act. I wasn’t comfortable in the NICU because the kids were so small. I felt like I needed to act different than I felt.

Everyone expected me to be this glowing new mother who was head over heals in love with her new family. Instead I was lonely, scared, and confused. Rob went back to work because he had to save his vacation for when the kids came home. So, I was alone as soon as I left the hospital. I can’t help but wonder if I hadn’t built up a wall during my pregnancy maybe it wouldn’t have been so hard.

Eventually, I stopped pumping and I was a new person. Rob and I made daily trips down to see them. Rob was on 2nd shift at the time and would get off work about 11:30pm. We would leave as soon as he got home and drive down to see them. We would stop at IHOP or a Waffle House to eat breakfast around 2:00am. We slowly got to know them individually. As they grew and their personalities began to show, I couldn’t help but fall in love. I have to admit, the real bond didn’t happen until they all came home. This is where our journey as a family truly began. God has been with us every step of the way and I can’t wait to see what the future holds.

Landon,

My loving Landon. I wanted to write you a letter so you will be able to look back and know just how amazingly special you are to me. I remember visiting you in the NICU and not knowing anything about you. In the beginning you didn’t stand out in the crowd because you were so well behaved. You soon grew out of that and learned that if you cried loud enough someone would come to your rescue. Your cry was very distinct and your daddy and I made fun of you for it. You always did three coughs before letting out the biggest scream you could muster up. By the time you came home to be with us you had earned the nickname Waaandon. You lived up to every bit of it too. You were doing great in the NICU except for your breathing. You had to stay longer because you were lazy and didn’t like to breathe without some help. Before we brought you home you had surgery on your bellybutton. That is why you have an outtie to this day. You had the biggest hernia I have ever seen. It was so big that the doctor who had operated had never done one that bad before. I have pictures so you should ask to see them one day. It will amaze you.

You came home and struggled. You couldn’t deal with the overwhelming world and all the noises it offered. In fact the first year of your life was pretty rough. Unfortunately, you just weren’t ready to come out of my belly when you did. That set you back. You and I quickly became a team and developed a bond that I can’t explain. While your bubbies and sissies were trudging along, you couldn’t do it alone. We had Dawn come in who was your physical therapist. She was amazing. I give her all the credit for how far you have come. When you couldn’t handle the world, which was 99% of the time, I would take over and get you through it. You needed me to survive. Your brain and regulatory system wasn’t mature enough to self sooth or regulate what was happening around you. So, I took you and together we made it through, minute by minute. Just about the time you were really taking off, your hemangioma on your butt started to break down. That was all she wrote. We took every step we had taken forward and leaped back to the beginning.

I have to say, that time was the hardest time I have had with you guys. You were in extreme pain and I couldn’t do anything to make it better. Poor guy, you couldn’t even sit up. Finally, I had enough lollygagging around and requested surgery. You were the first one to travel with us. Daddy and I took you to St. Louis where you were fixed. From there on, things have been getting better and better. You still have your moments, but you have changed so much.

I don’t have favorites, but that first year I developed an amazing bond with you. I imagine it is a lot like a singleton mommy would feel with her one child. You are so special to me. When you were doing so much better I was hanging on to the times when you still wanted me to hold you and snuggle up with you. I can’t believe you are almost 3 now and not my little baby anymore. However, I can see you going to college with your beloved blankies. Yes, great grandma Joy made 6 blankies for everyone. You have claimed all of them and they have holes and need washed everyday. It is disgusting because you chew on them at night and nap time. They smell like spit all the time.

You have made it through so much pain and stress in your short 3 years. It amazes me at how strong you are. I can’t imagine this world without your heart melting smile and silky smooth skin. You bring a smile to my face everyday. I love the way you love on your bubbies and sissies. They love you so much. They know you need your blankies and bring them to you when you are upset. They also tease you with them too. I’m sure that won’t stop anytime soon.

My prayer for you Landon is that you grow up knowing the love daddy and I have for you. I want you to dream big and reach for the stars. It melts my heart when you beg me let you touch the moon. You would give anything to be able to reach up and grab it. I don’t want you to ever change. Shoot for the impossible and never give up. You have a very loving way about you and melt everyone who is around. God has amazing plans for you. Live for Him and you will reach the moon one day. I love you so very much!

I don't know how they do it...

Somehow they always seem to get themselves into a bind. Here are a couple of the latest tight situations we've had to resolve.

Partied A Little Too Hard...Ya Think?

Our Sunday School class had their annual Christmas Party. We decided to go and take the kids with us. The people who host it have the perfect setup for a party. The kids had a blast. They ran laps and played with the other little kids there. I noticed later in the evening that the kids kept wandering over to the dessert table. The table was low enough that they could see everything laid out. It was too much for Syd to handle. She just couldn't control that nagging sweet tooth. After many failed attempts to keep them out of the sweets I started putting lids on things. It was too late though.

We left late that night and got the kids snuggled into their beds. I checked on them before I hit the sack. Everyone was fine. They slept like logs and didn't wake up until about 8:00. Syd was the first one up and had to go potty. I put her on the potty and was messing around in the bathroom. When I got her down and looked at her I was shocked.

It was dried and chunky. I can handle a lot when it comes to the kids, but I was gagging out loud during her soak/bath. She reminded me of those caveman commercials. Curse those irresistible brownies!