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Friday, September 19, 2008

Our Journey Part #5

Now we’ve come to the part of the story that isn’t so pleasant. I believed with all my heart that I could give birth to all five of my babies. I also knew in my head that it very well might not happen. Everyone who knows me knows that I am a very rational, logical person. I have always been level headed and responsible. That part of my personality kicked into high gear during my pregnancy. Rob said in one of his interviews that I was his hero because I never wavered in my faith. The truth is that I had just as much faith in the pregnancy failing as I did in its being a success. I went through my entire pregnancy emotionless. I had prepared myself for the worst. The chance of survival before 24 weeks gestation was slim to none. If none of my babies survived I had to be okay, because life would continue. That mentality prevented me from bonding with the kids. I look back and feel like I was robbed of that part of becoming a mommy. I lived week to week. Every doctor’s appointment could have been the Earth-shattering day I had prepared for. We never knew what was going to happen. The list of possible complications was endless. Rob and I would lie in bed and talk about how we didn’t feel like we were going to have 5 babies. It just seemed like a dream. I was scared that one of the kids would die and I wouldn’t know it and that would cause the other babies to die. It was my first pregnancy and I had no idea what I was feeling. How was I supposed to know if something was wrong? Every week Dr. Turnquest reassured me that everything was fine and not to worry. The unknown was the most difficult to deal with because we were working against things we couldn’t see or imagine. I wish I had been able to let go of my realistic expectations and relaxed in the knowledge that God knows when even a tiny sparrow falls. That would have allowed me to enjoy my pregnancy and possibly kept them inside of me a little longer.

Rob’s cousin Shelby gave birth to a little girl named Addison in October of 2006. I was about 10 weeks along at that point. When we went to see them in the hospital Addison was having her picture taken, and there were lots of smiling visitors popping in and out. I remember looking at the little bed she was laying in. It was so hard to hold back the tears. I knew that I was never going to have that experience. If I had the babies they would be so small and sick that they would have to be confined to the NICU. They would live in the hospital for a very long time, and visitors would be limited. Rather than deciding which pose was best for pictures, we would be faced with some very difficult medical decisions. I was never going to have people coming to my hospital room to see our new baby; or be wheeled out of the hospital with my baby in my arms ready to start our journey into the world. I felt like I was being robbed of an experience very precious for a new mother.


Annie said...

I understand every word that you said. That's the worst part of multiples pregnancy.

I'm waiting for the next post.

Anonymous said...

Oh, so diddo. I know exactly what you are saying in this post. I too feel that I was robbed at bonding with my babies. When I had my youngest it was very neat to have him there in the room with me at all times. The pregnancy was so much more of a happier one -less stress and worry. The quints I too worried so much and prepared myself for the possible outcome and I found it hard to bond with them individually within when you have more then one. I remember thinking in the hospital bed all the what if's. Our Emily stopped breathing on us and was in PICU for three weeks. At one point we thought we were going to loose her. At the beginning of that event my sister in laws said it was good to see me cry because I hadn't done so through everything. I think I too tried to strengthen my emotions to those what if's. What a great post.