I would give you one more kiss!! I would tell you how much I love you!! I would grab you up in my arms and squeeze you until you begged for air!! Isn't that what we all say about the passing time?
Today I didn't feel the way I thought I would feel. Sunday was the day of total celebration. The day we all came together to have a huge party and show the kids just how much we love them. I had planned on today being somewhat similar. I wanted to make it as special as I could.
When I woke up I found myself lacking in enthusiasm and excitement. Of course I masked all of my feelings and put on the biggest smile and woke all of them up with a big Happy Birthday!! They popped up and were happy to have another day dedicated to them. As I got them settled in with cups of cereal and Mickey Mouse Club House I went to finish getting ready.
All morning my mind drifted to the moments just before their birth up through their first few months. I ended up meandering downstairs and looking through their scrapbooks. I was looking for something. Something that reminds me in the most intense way of just how blessed we are. I wanted to find their diapers. These diapers aren't just any diapers. They are the diapers they wore right after they were born. I pulled one out and just held it. I remember the day they were born like it just happened. I could retell the evening just as though it were moments ago. It is forever etched in my mind and heart. The day our lives were changed forever.
I carried the diaper with me all day. I took it to work with me and throughout the day I picked it up and just held it. I don't know...it is weird. I wanted to go back in time. Just for those couple of hours when they were born. So I could have those moments back and know what I know now. That way I could hold them without fear of losing them. I would tell them all the plans I had for them and all the adventures they would have together. I would take every second I had to will them to fight. Instead, I look back and see a frightened mommy who was trying to be strong. I wasn't pushing them to fight, I was preparing myself for loss. Instead of being their rock, I was protecting myself.
Today did not feel the way I had hoped it would feel. No, it was full of memories and moments I will never get back. I put on a happy face and made the evening fun for the kids, but inside I wanted to go back in time and relive every moment I could. I wish I could rattle off all the funny things they have done over the past 4 years. There are so many moments I wish I could relive. I don't want to do it all over again. The good Lord knows I definitely don't want anymore kids:), but I have this panic of forgetting. You know how over time the emotion fades and the memories we once treasured are gone? That is what I fear.
This day was bitter sweet. I can't tell you how excited I am to go places and watch the kids take in the world as they see it. At the same time, I realize time is passing so quickly. It is like watching the sunset and seeing the very last ray fall below the horizon. The days of diapers and cribs and bibs are gone. The last few glimpses of my little babies are quickly fading. I am scared to blink for fear that they will be gone and I will have missed it.
Today was a good day. It was a day of celebration and reminiscing. I embraced it fully and am so glad I have this blog to remind me of just how blessed I am.
9 Months of Hudson Bradley
2 months ago